i gotta be me

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Stack of journals from Fall/Winter 2000/2001. And Mercury. Murky-Murk.

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I usually try to keep it pretty around here. I have been thinking lately about some of the blogs I love that  are pure beauty.  Inspiration and creativity and beauty and cheerfulness. And I love them for that. And I think I would probably love them even more if I saw a glimpse of the inevitable bad day, overwhelm, or self-doubt that we all feel!  It's not just me that feels that way sometimes, right

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These pages are from my journals in 2000/2001. I was going through a very rough period! Sometimes I still feel these things, but in generally i feel much better these days.

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I had long hair then. And a question mark for a face.

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I love the little motion lines.

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Eeeek! I feel shy showing you these.

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>>>sigh<<<

I have been thinking a lot lately about blogging and Keeping It Real vs. Keeping It Pretty. 

And I don't think it needs to be one or the other.

It gets confusing when I think about what I want this blog to be. Is it a way to connect with other people? Is it another vehicle for self-expression? Is it a marketing tool? The answer is yes! It's all of those.

It's the marketing part that gets me, I think. I censor myself  when I think about potential business contacts or the other blogs that seem to only show the beauty. I think I have been subconsciously trying to fit the mold of the enchanted magazine-spread-ready blogs. 

I certainly aspire to have that life , but right now- it's just not that way. I have to keep reminding myself that it probably isn't really that way for them, either!  I had received some really good news a few months ago (which, I promise, I will be sharing soon) and I was kind of in disbelief that I could really have any of the success that I am working for. I was talking with my best friend about it, how it didn't feel like it could be true, how it couldn't really be happening for me. Playing devil's advocate,  she said "why not you?" Allowing myself to just express whatever came up, I rambled, "because, you know, I'm dog fur and crooked teeth and cat litter and I have this stupid cowlick and I didn't go to college and I'm messy..." and on and on! And she leans toward me and goes, "But that's everyone. You know that right? You do know that, right?" See why I love her so much?

If I were to succeed at making this blog only beautiful and cheery, it would simply be an illusion (and I wouldn't be able to keep it up, anyways). Of course I  want it to  be inspiring and certainly yummy to look at. But maybe the hard times can be inspiring, too. The challenges in my life have shaped me, have made art a necessity, have made me seek out the beauty. To discount that would leave the story only half-told.

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So, friends. Here I am! Sometimes I am peaceful and sometimes I am crabby. Sometimes I am funny and sometimes I am utterly joyless. Sometimes I feel like I can have a successful design career and sometimes I feel like a total hack. Sometimes I look cute and other times my dark circles make me look like I have a black eye. Sometimes I feel confident and sometimes I feel like an awkward 13 year old!

Don't worry, I am not going to start documenting every nuance of my vacillating moods. I already bore myself half to death with that, I don't want to subject you to it! I just wanted to broach the topic so I can settle into this blog thing more.

So while I am sitting here in my jammies feeling vulnerable for bringing this up, I am  going to try to take my own advice and:

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Thanks for listening.

xo, melissa