209: sad but truthful

I am off balance.

Since my return from Portland, I have  scurried to the bathroom to cry a few times a week (at my day job.)
Is that too honest?

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Of course I don't need to tell you this. But Yummy Goods  really is a representation of me, and it's either share this part of me or stop blogging till I feel better. And I  really enjoy blogging- that is, I  enjoy the interaction with you- so I don't want to just wait and not post until it's all happy and pretty.

And you wouldn't want me to, either, right? 

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Life is good.

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There are amazing things happening that I have worked my ass off for.  Yes, all of this wonderful stuff is going on. I am grateful.

Yet, my internal world is a troubled place sometimes.

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My heart hurts from a challenging situation with a close friend. I struggle with loneliness, even when there are people around me who love me. See, this is me, the second  one from the left:

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I think everyone has these things going on, but  having arm-wrestled with depression my whole life, I sink down far and I sink down fast.

Before the trip, I was in a  routine of eating clean, running, practicing yoga, limiting television and limiting what I call 'screwing around online'.
That routine is the life vest that keeps me from getting swallowed by the undertow. I need to be in that routine to feel balanced. I really have to put a lot of effort in to just feel ok and at ease. I am glad I have finally learned what it takes, but since Portland, I have yet to find my way back to these practices.

I know what I have to do, now I just have to , you know, do it!

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*Today I am going to work in the garden.

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The physical work, being in nature, the satisfaction of growing something, the pleasure in making my yard beautiful- it does wonders for my spirit.

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*I will drink a bunch of water, something I just won't do unless I set my mind on it . ( and even then, it's hard! I am a camel. Moo.)

*I will eat clean today. ( That means not eating an entire rhubarb-strawberry-nectarine crisp like I did this week! Yes, I really did. The whole damn thing.)

*I will  limit tv and internet today.

*I will go for a walk today. It might be a slow walk, more of a stroll. But I will start to get back into the habit of setting aside time to  exercise.

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*I'll spend the evening playing with paint and paper. I have a mixed-media jones. I will put on my painty overalls ( not my dirty gardening overalls) and get messy for a few hours.  I do love getting messy. I love taking paint and paper (or anything, really) and messing with it  until it looks pretty. There is something really magical about it.

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So. That is what my day looks like. That's the plan, anyways. I'll report back tomorrow.

Tell me, what are you going to do today?

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I wanna know. 

xo, m

(illustrations courtesy of The Treasury of Games