I don't get anxious when the phone rings anymore and I finally just took his numbers out of my cell phone. This morning.
But I do still think "stupid jerk" when he comes to mind.
Last year on the anniversary I emailed Hannah, the girl who was his girlfriend for the three years before his death. They lived a few miles away but I had only met her once for about 5 minutes---shows you how close I was with my brother.
The lack of a relationship between me and Michael had always bothered me--- not that I wanted to be close to him, personally, but that I wanted a brother and I felt like I didn't have one. We felt more like distant cousins, really. Related, yes--- but not involved or interested in each other.
Well, in reaching out to Hannah, I found some sort of blessing in the fact that Michael and I were never close. We talked on the phone the night of the first anniversary and I found that since I had very little pain about his death, I was able to really be there for her and hear her experience of his suicide without it being about me. I could just support Hannah that felt really good.
We spent a few hours together the following day and have visited frequently since. She's a great girl and I am really happy that we are friends.
If you have any extra love today, please send some to my mom and dad.
On June 4 and 5, my good friend Sue Blauner be walking 18 miles, overnight, as part of the 2011 New York City Out of the Darkness Walk to raise money for suicide prevention.
Sue is the author of an excellent book called HOW I STAYED ALIVE WHEN MY BRAIN WAS TRYING TO KILL ME: One Person's Guide to Suicide Prevention. I love her book and I think it is also really good for straight up depression, not just people who have suicidal thoughts.
If you would like to donate to help Sue raise money just go here, it's super fast.
I hope you will, I just did!
p.s. I miss you! I haven't blogged for 6-7 weeks and it feels all weird. I will be back shortly with a catch up! xoxoxoxo